


Reactions

by LillaJoba



Series: Reactions [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Drabble, Gen, Other, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, not a fix it, post season 12, season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 18:00:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12371037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LillaJoba/pseuds/LillaJoba
Summary: I wrote these a while ago, just after the season 12 finale, and I thought I'd post them now. The two part's of the series explore what I thought would be going through Sam and Dean's minds after Cas' death.





	1. Dean's reaction

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to write one piece including both Sam and Dean’s reactions to Cas’ death, but this ran so long and personal (to Dean) it didn’t feel right to mix those two together, so here’s Dean’s and I’ll add Sam’s later.

“I love you.” How can three words be so hard to say? Among all of those unspoken thoughts, this one was the most regretted. It didn’t matter whether he knew or not, because neither of them would ever be able to actually say it. At least not to him. Not so he can hear it.  
Eyes closed, wings scorched into the ground, seen clearly as the moonlight shines on the body lying peacefully in the dirt. That was the one thing that might be slightly good about it. He was finally, they hoped anyway, at peace. Oh, how they wish they could have that sometimes. Even for a day. Just long enough to have a rest from this gut wrenching pain, long enough to go to a beach, on a holiday, to enjoy the beauty of the stars shining above them every night. Even then.  
How dare they? How dare they still light up the night sky like nothing has happened, as unaware as ever? That was one of the things left unsaid. Unquestioned. Dean never wanted to be the religious type, but after all that had happened over the years, he couldn’t help but be curious. Ever since he found out about what happens when angels fall, how thousands of supposed meteors and glowing shooting stars soar through the sky, he wondered. Wondered what had created those that stay in the sky. Of course, he could answer it with science, but where’s the fun in that? He often enjoyed picturing heaven’s army up there, with big wings and halos and harps, because no matter what Cas said he’d always imagine them with harps, marking the dark canvas of the atmosphere.  
Unsurprisingly, he never said that to his friend, but now he wished he had, even just to see his confused expression, and have another one to add to the pile of the times he made one of God’s warriors look like a confused child. But he didn’t say it. God, how he wished he’d said all that stuff before. Instead, he’s just left with tears in his eyes, and a heart so heavy it feels like he’ll never be able to stand up again. His best friend, who he hadn’t realised before he had taken for granted because he’d just always come back, was no longer there. He’d happily have brought him back even just for another argument if it meant seeing those blue eyes open again. He hated himself for letting this happen. That angel, that amazing, wonderful angel had done so much for them. Rescued them from hell, rebelled for them, risked his life them, saved their lives again, and again, and again. He hated himself for not being able to do the same for him. The lump in his throat and the effort of holding back tears was hurting him substantially, but nowhere near enough to dull the emptiness inside. He wanted to say it, even if there was no one to hear it, but he couldn’t. Not because it wasn’t true, it would probably be the most honest thing he’s ever said to him, but because he thought this incredible being in front of him deserved the love of someone much more than him. Someone who doesn’t let everyone down.  
He looked at him, from head to toe, forcing himself to not turn away. He had to see it. It’s not like he could feel much worse. He looked at the still stoic look on his face, completely expressionless but so familiar. He looked at the broken wings in front of himself, or the mere shadow of them. They may be broken and torn and burned, but god, they were still beautiful. Never appreciated for how magnificent they were, how amazing. He looked at trench coat so often adorned by the seraph, the suit jacket underneath, the white shirt with the dark red stain on it….  
That was enough. He ripped his sights from the heart breaking scene. He still couldn’t master the courage to speak those three words, that is if he could speak in general, but he still had to say something so he said the only other thing that came into his mind.  
“I’m sorry.”


	2. Sam's Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two. Sam's reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.

Ironically, the more angels Sam met, the less he believed. He, of course, knew they existed, but the more he found out about them, the more he wished he hadn’t. That wasn’t what faith’s about. It’s not about proof, but belief and he wished he could have kept that. However, there was one entity who made him glad of everything. Of God, of the angels, despite the pain it’s all caused him. The rebellious angel who had now literally fallen.  
They never had much time to grieve, for anyone, but he knew that never stopped them. Neither him, nor Dean. His first reaction was shock, numbness. He had lost so many people as it was, and it took everything he had to not simply go into denial about it. He saw what doing that had done to his brother previously, he didn’t want that, but that didn’t make it any easier. How many more people they loved would they have to lose until the world finally decided they have had enough? How many more would have to give their lives for them? How many more times would they have to save the world since this stupid place realised this shouldn’t be happening? He knew they had things to do, things they had to do, but the distraction didn’t stop the pain.  
He felt pain and anger and desperation, but none of those were emotions he could act on. How could he? How do you even behave after a night like that? He ran inside, away from the place of the events, but he still knew. Still knew that their best friend was lying out there on the freezing earth and the scene he was picturing was almost worse than what he had seen. Seeing the blade, and the blinding light. That he was lying there, and that he was never going to wake up. Damn it, it was so much more difficult to even pretend he was just sleeping when he knew angels didn’t need sleep.  
It was a beautiful night, cold and windy, but it was as wondrous as it was freezing. It was the type of night that would be described in stories, and he knew that, if it was a different situation that brought them there, he’d do everything to cherish it. But now he just wanted to do anything to take that night back. Have their mum, Cas, their family back together. That’s all he’s ever wanted. That’s why he originally got out of hunting. He didn’t think he could have or do both and it’s just like that cruel, horrible reality that he sometimes just wanted to get away from to remind him just as he began to think he was wrong, that he wasn’t. Because every single person he had ever cared about, he’d lost at some point and he simply couldn’t stand it anymore.  
Why did this keep happening? Why couldn’t anyone he loved be okay for once? Why couldn’t it just be over? Why couldn’t this horrible, aching feeling, breaking his heart just leave him alone? Why does he always have to fight so hard, just to be strong enough to wake up everyday, to take that first, cleansing breath of the morning? None of it should have happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one was very short. Please, let me know if you liked the drabbles.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I know this is really sad. I hope you still liked it.


End file.
